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This is BIG, people. We’re going to Montana!! Home of Wendell’s birth father Bryce, Grandma Cora, and aunt Cami. We’ve wanted to go since Wendell was a baby, but the distance between our 2 small cities couldn’t be much further (or the plane tickets more expensive) but, well, we’re just doing it. All 4 of us. If we don’t sleep at all because of River then so be it. We all of us need to go, and I believe that Wendell in particular needs his baby brother by his side.

Cora said tonight that her only trepidation was that she wouldn’t be able to let him go, something I can surely imagine. Her grandchildren are all spread out, and this woman seems born to be a grandma, the everyday kind of grandma. I said my only trepidation is that Wendell’s going to be surrounded by so much big adult emotion. But that’s in part why we’re biting the travel bullet and going now. The emotion will only get bigger and more complex with time- that’s what I believe anyway.

I’ll write more about all the factors involved but tonight I wanted to shout it from the rooftops: we’re going to Montana and I could not be more excited!!!

Tonight, while doing his kindergarten homework (yes, they have homework. yes, its appalling. tonight, however, he was totally into it and it was very sweet), Wendell said, “Mommy, do you like my skills?”

Me: “Your what?”

Wendell: “My skills. Do you like my skills?”

Me: “Yes Wendell, you’ve got mad skills.”

(note: I drew the hearts are on his hand by request. 2, so that shows how much I love him. so he says.)

As mentioned in the previous post, Wendell starts real school tomorrow. I’m a sentimental wreck. Thankfully I realized what was going on for me a few days ago, otherwise I would have really thought I was losing my mind- and perhaps so would have my family. Somehow the emotions of this have really taken me by surprise.

Wendell is soooo excited, and only a wee bit nervous. I was proud of him for letting the nervousness air itself tonight, because then it faded into the background again. I am sooooo nervous, and only a wee bit excited. That’s not true, exactly. I’m a lot excited, but also…. I don’t even know what the word for this emotion is. I don’t think i’ve experienced it until now. He’s more wonderful than I can stand sometimes.

Because i’m overcome with all emotions relating to Wendell, of course i’m thinking of his first mom, too… and his route to our family through her. I wrote her tonight and am posting it here, too- if only to assuage the feeling that when I write to her, i’m writing into thin air. I know there’s a bittersweet tone in the letter- its not really due to his starting kindergarten, but rather the sadness of getting to reach out to her, but knowing I won’t get a response. I am grateful for what is, and…. well. I’ll just leave it at that tonight. I really am grateful.

Hey Jenna,

I just wanted to let you know that Wendell’s starting kindergarten tomorrow- he’s going to a (public) charter school, so they’re on a slightly different calendar, and start earlier in the year.

Its a new school, but should be great- a lot of the curriculum is focused around the wetlands in Forest Hill park, and growing gardens by the school. Its less than a mile from our house, so we should be able to bike or walk most of the time.

Wendell is so excited- and only nervous enough to have it be cute. Mainly, he really can’t wait. Andrew told him the other night that he thought he had grown, and Wendell said, ” I know. I have. That’s what big boys do before they start kindergarten.”

I saw on your facebook page where you said “whatever’s going on, i’m up for it.” That’s pretty much Wendell, too, so the confidence with which he’s embarking on this next adventure is both no surprise as well as completely amazing to us. We couldn’t be prouder, and I know you would be too, or are already. He is such a shining star.

I’ll send pictures after the big day, but wanted to let you know this transition makes me think of you so much, as all major events in his life do. I hope you can come to know him someday, and vice versa. We’re here whenever- just give a call or email, as always.

I hope everything’s going great for you, Jenna. We all send so much love-


Its finally time. Next week my oldest baby goes off to kindergarten. Mainly i’ve been really excited about it but last night I had a mini panic attack and starting worrying about silly details like do I have film for the camera etc. It feels like the end of an era, and I know it is. Ages 2-5 (especially 3-5) had their challenges for sure, but now it feels like we’re entering a new phase. One where he’s more reliably great company but also begins to lose interest in us as the years go on. (We’re not there yet by a long shot but still, i’m no fool.) I’m excited about this new phase of our family life- very excited, actually- but I feel their impermanence so much, too. Is it because the years are marked by grades? He is growing older so unreasonably fast, but I feel like we are, too… hurtling towards middle age, really. I know most people think middle age doesn’t begin until 50 or so, but what? You think you’ll live to 100? I’m fairly sure I won’t. Not well, anyway. This is starting to sound gloomy, and I don’t mean it that way. I’m just feeling the startling passage of time this morning. And the absolute amazingness of my beautiful, sparkling, sturdy and hilarious almost kindergarten age boy. Who I love more than I could ever, ever possible say.

-Our kitchen is under renovation. Wendell calls the workers “Sonny and his famous crew,” which shows you how much he adores them. No other comments on how disruptive this is to our little family of 4. It is.

-I went out of town alone with the boys for just 1 night, and ended up spending the night in the ER with River, who developed croup all of a sudden. Brought me back to when he was a newborn with RSV. Not fun. Slightly traumatic.

-I’m overwhelmed with all the things on my plate. I can’t stand having too many things on my to do list- especially when they can’t easily be knocked off. I hate it, hate it, hate it. I can’t stand not having the time to call friends back, or be available to everyone who’s important to me at all times. Its why I can’t have more kids- it kills me when my energies feel split as much as they are right now. Sometimes I work on adjusting that unrealistic expectation. Sometimes I just accept it as an integral part of who I am. Right now i’m between those 2. Like I said, i’m split. Scattered is maybe more accurate.

-I’d like to write more about the murky areas that our open adoptions are existing in right now, but don’t have the time.

-BUT the Open Adoption Symposium IS happening here- September or October of 2011! And Dawn is coming! We got to talk on the phone the other night- which was the first time for me a blog connection turned into a real life one. It was awesome, and I want more. You hear me, Dawn?

Over and out for now.

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